Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I fell off the wagon

I don't know why I am writing this I just felt like I needed to get it out send it out there and if I do maybe this time will finally be different then the others.This time I will finally change, this time I will finally finish something I started. Before I got sick this past week I feel off the wagon well to be honest when I went to California I fell off the wagon I ate good while I was in California but when I got back the working out stopped the eating wasn't the best decisions.

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(This past summer at my old boutique job)
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(Last years family beach trip.)
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(Visiting a friend this past summer in Kentucky)
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(Me just a few months ago)

I keep looking through old photos and even during those times I was still struggling to get healthy and loose this weight I have put on. I have this vision in my head of the person I want to be she feels like a dream and so unattainable. I get these spurts where I say this time will be different I think I said that on here already and yet again I failed that it wasn't different it was just like every other time id stick with it for a few weeks then id go out of town or do something where it threw me off or tempted with something I knew I shouldn't be eating. Id always say "i'll start tomorrow" "I'll start on monday". After going to the doctor last weekend and being weighed my mouth actually dropped I was in shock (thankfully the nurse wasn't looking when I did that) I remember when I was in high school I think I weighed around 115 lbs and thought I was so fat I would go days without eating I remember my mom catching me and telling me her story of her doing that for years and what it did to her, So she sat me down and made sure I ate. When I think about it now what I would give to be that size again.

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Last night I was watching biggest loser which was a total sob fest (there were tissues involved) There was a part in the episode where each contestant went home and got video these dvd's that had interviews of themselves from when they first arrived on the ranch. A lot of the things they said I could relate to. They all have changed so much and look amazing.I guess I was always waiting for that moment to hit you when you know something needs to change I think thats maybe why it never stuck. This time feels different somehow like I can't turn back I cant keep eating how I have been I just cant, I need to make working out a part of my life and yes at first its going to feel like work, there will be days when I just don't want to work out but I will force myself to do it because after words I will be proud that I pushed myself. And I wanted an incentive so I set a goal for myself Id like to loose 5 lbs in a month starting today and if I loose that 5lbs I will reward myself with these pretty Jessica simpson shoes that I have been drooling over ever since I saw them on both elise & miss james blogs.
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Last night I had a dream I was working out with Hannah from the biggest loser and DAMN did I look amazing in my dream. It was one of those dreams that felt so real so when I woke up I was so pumped up for this change. And knowing I can't go back I cant keep going on like this I just can't I will change my ways I will finish something from start to finish I will finish and reach my goal. It will be hard its all about one day at a time one foot in front of the other. But I need to do this for myself not for anyone else for me. Now that I've got that out and off my chest and ready to finally change I am off to get my work out on I plan on doing Level 1 and 2 of Jillian's 30 day shred I did it yesterday it was pretty intense but I did it and felt like I was going to just fall over and die at one point but if I don't push myself it wont get easier. So I plan on doing her workouts every day besides sunday's those are my resting days. I will alternate between the 30 day shred and yoga meltdown and mix in some hiking trips here and there. That was a pretty long post phew I hope everyone is enjoying their days its sunny out here so I'm thinking its a perfect day to wash my car its black but its more of a grey-ish color right now. And I hope these allergies stay in check I've been keeping up on my allergy meds so fingers crossed.

xoxo

3 comments:

  1. i can relate sooo much to this post! especially the part about thinking you're fat when you're actually skinny and how, now, you would do anything to get that old weight back.

    i'm going through something similar. i gained 70 lbs during my pregnancy and i started at a weight i didn't like at all so i have quite a few i need to lose to get back to where i feel good about myself again. i've lost a little over 40 since giving birth in february and it feels good but i have so much more to lose and it's getting hard.

    i do the whole "this time will be different too and i do pretty good for a while and then something happens and i fall off the wagon lie you put it..

    anyway, thanks for sharing! this was kind of inspiring to me :) i hope you do really well and achieve your goals! and those shoes!! well those are definitely worth it ;)

    i started following you a while back but sort of just skimmed and haven't found my way back until now. glad i did!

    we can be weight loss blogger buddies, yeah? haha

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  2. Good for you! Making a life change to be healthier is hard work - never let anyone tell you otherwise. But it's very rewarding and exciting when you start to feel improvement!

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  3. @ Kandice Thanks for sharing that with me. I am glad you found your way back :) weight loss blogger buddies sounds fantastic.

    @ Joanna Thank you it defiantly will be hard but I know the feeling after is very worth it.

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